February 23, 2011

 I wrote a letter to Terri saying that I'm considering moving back to Switzerland, because as it is, I'm a complete monster and need to rehabilitate myself, and my relationship with Marie is getting too complicated. I wonder how much she'll pass onto Corri. Corri's speaking to me again. Bastion contacted me to ask a favour, then made himself unavailable almost immediately.

February 6, 2011

 On the night of his birthday-- Friday night-- Levine slept with a man for the first time. That man was Hansel Zuckerman, his roommate from Santa Cruz. Being quite a talented proctologist, Hansel knew how to bring Levine pleasure, but the pain was an unfortunate side effect as Levine is unaccustomed to that kind of sex. Hansel slept with me, too, and in this way blackmailed Levine into becoming his lover. Levine said he's fine with it as long as I'm safe.

January 30, 2011

 Sunday | 4:16 p.m.

I tire of useless people, including myself. It won't be my responsibility to help the proletariat more than he asks for. I'll bet he doesn't even show up tomorrow. Not that I care, but I won't waste my time either way. How can he possibly justify objecting to my use of a code name for him when he's off with his head in the clouds? I mean, honestly, changing his whole persona so his mean old family won't pick on him anymore? How sickeningly pedestrian.

January 29, 2011

 Saturday | 5:28 p.m.

I'm so tired. I've been watching things like Bones, Burn Notice, and Gossip Girl. I've been hoping they'd give me some clue as to how to deal with Corri, but I've had no lightbulb moments, nothing to illuminate the way. It gets exhausting keeping track of appearances and personas all the time. I can't even control my dream scenarios as well as I used to. I'm just so tired. I can barely keep my own image straight, let alone help Bastion with his. He wants to become a "gentleman rogue". But the reasoning is so... silly. He wants to feel like other than a slave to his family and build up his self-confidence. A persona won't help with that. It's the sort of thing that comes from within.

I can't even handle my own imaging. How am I meant to help anyone else with theirs? I roleplay to escape myself, not to become someone. I'm so childish.

Typical. Wants my help and yet can't be bothered to pick up the phone. The way he comes across is so awkward. It's obvious he's trying to force himself to be someone he's not. He's trying too hard. Unfortunately, being so low in self-confidence means he'll grasp at any validation he can get. It's like an auction. He has no loyalty because his standing constantly shifts to go with the highest bidder. Also, we never discussed what I would be getting in return. It's certainly not the charm of his company, and I'm not naïve enough to think he's asking my help because I'm the only one out there he trusts. Neither of us can really trust the other, so I have to be careful. There's a reason he's getting involved again, one that he won't readily tell me.

January 13, 2011

Meeting up with Bastion later. Gave Corri an epic verbal bitch slap on Facebook. Mom complimented me on it. Heh. Corri says she hates me and wishes we'd never met. Guess she's not a sociopath, then.

11 January 2011

 Tuesday | 2:22 p.m.

So once again we're speaking. Not Corri and me. The other one. He sent me an e-card out of nowhere. Finally, he seems to accept that he can never have me. Anyway, he's still a simpleton, but any information on Corri can potentially be of use to me.

January 3, 2011

 Monday | 6:00 a.m.

How is this possible? I touched a few papers from the ⭐🚸folder that used to belong to Bastion and immediately got dizzy the same way I dissociated with Corri. I'm taking a shower now. I feel vile.