January 31, 2022 | Serena's diary

 No one has been around today. Maybe they all think I'm being annoying. I've been left to my own devices before. I didn't like it. Xander hasn't fed for days, once again. Am I not even good for being vampire food? I've also been on standby in case the club needs anything. So far, they haven't. I don't know what to do with myself except keep writing inane rubbish.

Dany was surprising last night. Sometimes he's nicer than others. Last night, he was nice. I don't know how to describe it, but it made me feel a little less lonely. I remembered how we met before. Duckie introduced us. I offered him my best skill, or at least the one people seem to value the most. It didn't go beyond the offer. It's too soon to tell whether I'll regret not following through the moment we met up again. He likes the way I look, or seems to, but when he finds out the truth about me, will he switch to constantly insulting me, like... like some have?

I don't want to think about that. It's heartbreaking.

The only person who hasn't broken my heart yet, out of all my involvements, has fittingly been my husband. But it's only a matter of time. There have been days I've been afraid to go home in case I were to catch him with someone. Hypocritical of me, isn't it? He scolds me, sometimes. For not coming home enough. For spending my time chasing after men who seem to hate me. Okay, so maybe I'm breaking my own heart. Maybe it really is all my fault.

I feel certain Luci has explained why he loves me, but I don't remember, and it doesn't make sense to me why he, or anyone, would. What could anyone possibly see in me, besides my good looks and abilities in bed?

I thought maybe Erik and I could become friends, thought he was over hating me, but apparently that's not the case. He did just get out of the hospital, so it's not like he doesn't have reason to be pissy, but damn, I didn't put him there!

January 30, 2022 | Serena's diary

 How is it that Sigefrid can hold me and kiss me so nicely at night but be so cruel during the day? Luci doesn't understand why I insist on maintaining a relationship with him. Are we in a relationship? Skorpa and Dany seem to think so. But he barely touched the food I made for him, and he seemed so resentful when I asked him to eat. Of course, I did later find out Erik and Skorpa were in the hospital. Dagfinn is recovering from a punctured lung. Harley is sniping at Sigefrid about everything, which is adding to Sigefrid's stress, and when he's stressed, he's mean. I really don't like Harley.

Dany has night terrors. I told him Trent used to have them too. What I didn't tell him was that I did too, more recently but still years ago. When Trent dropped out of grad school, I had them every night that I wasn't completely blacked out. But when I was, I would wake up in bed next to someone who kept me safe. Luci. But it's a lot to explain, which is why I didn't try to climb into bed with Dany.

I like Dany. Not as much as the men I'm actually involved with, but with different timing, who knows? He likes me, too, or at least, he's flirted. I rebuffed him for Sigefrid's sake. Again, I don't know if I should consider Sigefrid my boyfriend, but better safe than sorry, right? Which, paradoxically, is why I can't tell him how I really feel about him. It's bound to scare him off. But I've done everything I can to make it clear that my utmost loyalty is to him, including pretending I didn't care that my friends were hurt.

I can be honest here. I was out for blood the moment Sigefrid got hurt, and I grow hungrier for it the more I learn about my friends' injuries. I've been training with Maze and Duckie to learn how to dual-wield Millie and Tillie. I want to help. I want to fight. I want to kill. But I also want to buy them a proper safehouse or two. Somewhere a bunch of bikers would never be expected to live, a gated community, maybe in the Hills. No HOA, but possibly a thriving Nextdoor community on neighborhood watch. It would be a lot more secure and a lot harder to hit.... Don't get me wrong. I love the clubhouse. It's my favorite place in the world now. But it's not safe. If anything else were to happen to anyone but especially Sigefrid, I couldn't live with myself knowing I could have provided a resource but never offered because I was afraid of hurting someone's pride. Maybe I'll ask Roulet about what's on the market that could accommodate all the charters currently in town.

January 23, 2022 | Sebastian's (?) diary

 I'm starting to lose touch with reality. I know I'm real, but sometimes other people don't feel real to me. Sigefrid, Skorpa, Haesten (real annoying in his case), and Bloodhair still feel like people, but some of the others, I find myself wondering if they're just puppets on a grand stage, putting on a play for my entertainment. Some of them are good puppets, but others step out of line. I'm tempted to declare they need to be punished, but that's Luci's call to make, not mine.

Who am I? Who should I be? Would Sebastian or Serena be more loved? I started Serena because I thought Trent would be more attracted to her, but ironically, he's the only one who seems to prefer me as a man. I never wondered who I was as a teenager the way some do. I was Trent's best friend. Rumors said I was his boyfriend. Either way, I knew I was his. We were devoted to each other. But ever since college, he's been devoted to Rebecca. It's sickening. Any appeal her undeniable beauty may have had for me was snuffed out by her manipulative, controlling nature and need to look down on everybody from atop her white horse on an ivory tower on a mountain of narcissism. Lately she's added moral crusading to her list of unpleasant traits, which is ironic considering her refusal to take personal responsibility for any of her bullshit. I don't think I've heard her utter the words, "You're right. I'm sorry" since she and Trent got back together. Before she pushed him off Nathaniel's roof, she may have only said it to stop people from being mad at her, but at least she said it. She still makes excuses to try to keep people from being mad at her (it doesn't work), but now she's even more infuriating. Xander has picked up on her bad habits and adopted them as his own. I wish I could believe either of them truly capable of love. Rebecca doesn't love Trent, she wants to possess him and and she wants him all to herself. She wanted us to be in awe of how magnanimous she was in generously sharing Trent with Nathaniel and me, and to pity her because we big bad men "forced" her into it. Hate to break it to you, princess, but it's not an act of altruism if you bring it up all the time to whine about it.

And Xander, he thinks I'm greedy for wanting so many lovers. I can't believe him. I loved Trent with all my heart since I was eight. I'm 33 now. He didn't start a relationship with me until I was 31. Xander is telling off a starving man for eating his fill at a buffet.

• Butternut squash ravioli, 250 cal
• 7 Verona cookies
• 1 chocolate almond milk

I'm so lonely when none of my friends are around, but it's like I can't stop doing things that push them away. Even Bloodhair is upset with me. He claims his ex-fiancée hates me, but I don't know who she is or what I could have possibly done to offend her. Besides, what does it matter what his ex thinks? Can't he think for himself? Maybe I just caught him at a bad time. He did just get out of the hospital, after all.

Skorpa and I are meant to go shopping together later. I gave him a hard time, but he doesn't look bad in drag. He just needs a stylist. He wants me-- Sebastian-- to help with that, and he offered me a drink for my trouble, which is surprisingly nice. I wonder what he's up to? Not that it matters. He's one of the few of that lot showing me any semblance of kindness.

Sigefrid has been nicer. Not cloyingly so, not like a declawed neutered kitten (Xander), but just enough that I know he, at least, doesn't randomly despise me. That's good. He's the one whose opinion I care about most from that club. Still, it would have been nice to make friends with the others. I know it's just a couple people, but it feels like everyone just hates me. I wish I could go back to only  caring about Trent. At least he was always kind to me, even if he did abandon me to chase after a chick for three years. Then Xander left me for a month. Luci is always running off to someplace or other. Will I ever find someone who's hopelessly devoted to me and won't leave me to my own devices? I keep hoping maybe Xander will keep a closer eye on me, but instead he just yelled at me for not having human feelings. That's rich, from someone with his history. Besides, I can't help that I don't care about people who don't deserve it. And when I do care about people, most of the time they throw it back in my face. Except Trent. He's always sweet, but his fucking cunt of a girlfriend is keeping us apart. Whiny bitch.

I asked Maze to let me tag along for one of her bounty missions, but she knows me too well. "Capture, not kill," she said. Is everyone just a fucking killjoy these days? I expected more from a demon.

January 23, 2022 | Trent's diary

 Both Sebastian and Nathaniel decided it would be best if we're no longer seeing each other, for Rebecca's sake. It was causing a lot of stress, so now they're just my best friends.

Sebastian seems like a completely different person lately. He's never been so mean before. I don't like George either, but what Sebastian did to him was so mean, even malicious. Luci allows it because he wants Sebastian to be happy. I want that, too, but I barely recognize him anymore. But if I ask him to stop, he'll feel attacked and cornered. He's already having difficulty trusting me after his impromptu honeymoon.

January 22, 2022 | Serena's diary

 Today Xander and I got in a fight. He doesn't like the way I joke with Trent's friends because they're his friends too. His first friends in a very long time. I told him I would tone it down.

Skorpa referred to Sigefrid as my man. I guess it must be true if even Skorpa sees it. Maybe he's not such a heinous bitch after all.

January 19, 2022 | Serena's diary

•  Eggplant parmesan. A little heavy, or maybe that's because of the
• Apple juice

That was lunch. I don't remember breakfast.

Yesterday turned out well. Sigefrid and I made out and he talked dirty while fingering me. (He had me suck on his fingers first.) It was so erotic, so beautiful, I almost couldn't believe it was happening. Xander also made love to me last night, but the details of that are best left to the imagination.

• 40 minutes of light cardio, not including sex.

Sigefrid has been asleep most of today. I left some naanwiches in the fridge for him.

• Naanwiches!

That's what I had for breakfast!

I really can't get enough of his touch or his kisses. The way he held me so close to him, grinding up against me like he did. I could practically feel his heart pounding in excitement when I was pressed flush against him. What a man!

January 18, 2022 | Serena's diary

 I'm in love, once again. His name is Sigefrid. He's strong and sexy with eyes a deep well of liquid pain. He seems like he's been through so much, and it's evident by more than just the blade that replaces one of his hands. He lets me take care of him when my Xandy's away, which is more and more often now. There's always some reason, but more and more, it just sounds like noise. But Trent is getting married to a controlling psycho who uses him to make her life easier, Nathaniel's boyfriend or fiancé or whatever Gethsemane is has decided to take issue with how much time Nathaniel and I have spent together lately, not to mention the time Nathaniel spent with Lucifer while I was seeing Roulet (I don't know what I'm going to do about him). But with Sigefrid, I finally found someone I can take care of. He doesn't make it easy, but he also doesn't give me as hard of a time as he could. I wonder if he can sense how lost I am?

I tell myself he's sweet, but he's really not. He is, but he isn't. He's gruff and coarse, and sometimes he breaks my heart. But he lets me feed him and sleep next to him. Sometimes we kiss. I studied him and had customized medicine made for him. I was able to heal his shoulder after I stabbed him (long story) and I think I can harness that power further. I can keep his liver and kidneys from getting too damaged if he's going to defy dosage instructions.

It's the same old conundrum. Once again, it looks a lot like I want to make a man mine, when truthfully, I would prefer he make me his. I'm doing everything I can think of to help him, to make myself worthy of him. Xander doesn't exactly approve, but then.... And Trent blatantly disapproves, but he's getting married, so what's it to him? Lucifer hasn't graced me with an opinion, but I can't imagine he approves, either. His pampered princess of a wife, with a rough man like Sigefrid? But that's something I like about him. He doesn't treat me like I'll break at any second. He's truly, naturally, dominant in bed and I crave that on a level none of the others are willing to understand. Besides, I need someone to spoil when Xandy's not around.

The truth is that I despise solitude. Duckie has Rebecca (ugh), Nathaniel has Guilliman, Xandy has whatever he's got going on, Luci has a business to run. I'm sure Sigefrid has... he has his business, and other-- conventional women. I have gained someone new to add to the rotation and lessen my chances of becoming lonely. Loneliness leads to relapse, and relapse would mean Xander wouldn't want me.

June 9, 2021 | Akuma's diary

 Corri embellished so much. Being in this new body is akin to being reborn.

Samantha reminds me of Corri. Julian reminds me of me, how I started.

Drepanon apparently has a "twin" here. One we're not allowed to love. That's not too new. When his "girls" would fall for him, he would use their bodies until they got bold enough to ask more, then sell them to a demon he wanted to curry favor with.

April 9, 2012 | Labi Dove's Diary

 I was thought to be dead, but this was not so. I have the duty to care for my dear Doriane, with the help of my new husband, Sharuka (Hatman). At first I was concerned that the retroactively reincarnated ex-demon may still have feelings for Evryn, or failing that, her sister Penryn, but this is not the case. He is a good husband and under his influence, Doriane is growing again.

23 February 2012 | Requiem's diary

 3-something in the a.m.

Requiem D'Arcy. Isn't it a preppy name? Then again, so are Viktoria Emerson and Isadorre Hayes. Not that our names matter. We just have to align who we are now with who we're meant to be. Too many of us are saccharine and innocent. Envi has a bit of a bite, but she needs to be pleasant and just go with the flow. Requiem just needs to be sociable.

August 29, 2011 | Cygnet's Diary

 I think I may be falling in love with Brandy. This is bound to end badly. I'm meant to be showing her that not everyone is as hateful as the Lathories and to show one of her personas some love, loyalty-- the romantic or sexual kind of loyalty--and affection.

No promises. No demands.

It wouldn't do to fall in love with the woman herself. She's perfectly lovely, but I don't trust myself not to hurt her if this becomes more than just an experiment.

June 9, 2011 (unknown character diary) (Falcon-side)

 Sinead has been quite the darling. It mustn't be easy, living with someone as insane as myself. But she stays with me. She's patient and kind. She'll never leave me.

3 June 2011 | Sinead diary

 SINEAD

I think my master may be insane. She modeled me after someone called Vexie. She calls me "New Vexie." I'm a golem. I depend on her to give me livelihood, but I think she depends more on me to feel loved and warm. She leans on me. When she holds me a peaceful smile spreads across her face and she disappears into her own mind. She promised if I take care of her, she'll love me forever. I promised her the same. She hasn't seemed as depressed the past couple of days, but I know she misses the original of me.

June 2, 2011 | Levine diary

 D. LEVINE

Told Rini I drugged K with sedatives and she isn't in a real coma.

Rini, your little friend broke her and I'll do whatever it takes to put her back together again. I printed this Megu person's face and put it on the Hope doll she made. You should have seen her face light up when I brought it in for her. Course, she was too hopped up on sedatives to know it wasn't real. But it made her feel better and that's what matters.

3 May 2011 | Désmoda diary

3:50 a.m.

DESMODA

It's been over a year since Illybrius's death. I don't think anyone, not even my own dear cousin, realises the impact his death had on me, who knew him the longest, if not the best. When he came back and had the opportunity to speak with us, it was the newcomers Akuma and Orion he chose to impart with his last words. Now he's gone.

I may have taken his death the hardest of everyone. We were close. Never as close as Maheone and he, but close enough. I suppose he thought that since I'm stronger and handle myself better than the Enzerus, I wasn't in need of a last word. He thought I'd go through it stone-faced, like I do everything else. No emotion. No tears. Just a strong guiding hand like always. No. I couldn't keep his counterpart, whose life he entrusted to me, out of trouble. I was too busy thinking about myself and my grief to keep an eye on her. What happened last month was as much my fault as it was that man's. I could have kept her away, but I didn't, and she's still suffering because of it. She and Illybrius both depended on me to protect her. It was my duty. I failed in that duty.

Foolish. I'm the reason she and Keyi didn't work out in the first place. I filled her head with intellectual elitism and closed her mind and heart against the human race because of my own suffering. I put it in her head to bully and manipulate her way into someone's bed, and for what? She made the choice, but I put it in her head!

When I came back, I promised I would take better care of her, and I haven't. I have taken care not to fill Ord's head with the same elitist fluff, but for Cinnamon, nothing. Her grades and scholastic motivation have slipped. She's hardly recognisable. As strong as she'd like to be, that man damaged her. It's my fault and I feel a disgrace. I feel I've failed Illybrius all over again.

All because I wanted to know why he didn't say goodbye to me.

It's in your hands now, Levine. Take good care of her for me and try to undo some of my mistakes.

February 23, 2011

 I wrote a letter to Terri saying that I'm considering moving back to Switzerland, because as it is, I'm a complete monster and need to rehabilitate myself, and my relationship with Marie is getting too complicated. I wonder how much she'll pass onto Corri. Corri's speaking to me again. Bastion contacted me to ask a favour, then made himself unavailable almost immediately.

February 6, 2011

 On the night of his birthday-- Friday night-- Levine slept with a man for the first time. That man was Hansel Zuckerman, his roommate from Santa Cruz. Being quite a talented proctologist, Hansel knew how to bring Levine pleasure, but the pain was an unfortunate side effect as Levine is unaccustomed to that kind of sex. Hansel slept with me, too, and in this way blackmailed Levine into becoming his lover. Levine said he's fine with it as long as I'm safe.

January 30, 2011

 Sunday | 4:16 p.m.

I tire of useless people, including myself. It won't be my responsibility to help the proletariat more than he asks for. I'll bet he doesn't even show up tomorrow. Not that I care, but I won't waste my time either way. How can he possibly justify objecting to my use of a code name for him when he's off with his head in the clouds? I mean, honestly, changing his whole persona so his mean old family won't pick on him anymore? How sickeningly pedestrian.

January 29, 2011

 Saturday | 5:28 p.m.

I'm so tired. I've been watching things like Bones, Burn Notice, and Gossip Girl. I've been hoping they'd give me some clue as to how to deal with Corri, but I've had no lightbulb moments, nothing to illuminate the way. It gets exhausting keeping track of appearances and personas all the time. I can't even control my dream scenarios as well as I used to. I'm just so tired. I can barely keep my own image straight, let alone help Bastion with his. He wants to become a "gentleman rogue". But the reasoning is so... silly. He wants to feel like other than a slave to his family and build up his self-confidence. A persona won't help with that. It's the sort of thing that comes from within.

I can't even handle my own imaging. How am I meant to help anyone else with theirs? I roleplay to escape myself, not to become someone. I'm so childish.

Typical. Wants my help and yet can't be bothered to pick up the phone. The way he comes across is so awkward. It's obvious he's trying to force himself to be someone he's not. He's trying too hard. Unfortunately, being so low in self-confidence means he'll grasp at any validation he can get. It's like an auction. He has no loyalty because his standing constantly shifts to go with the highest bidder. Also, we never discussed what I would be getting in return. It's certainly not the charm of his company, and I'm not naïve enough to think he's asking my help because I'm the only one out there he trusts. Neither of us can really trust the other, so I have to be careful. There's a reason he's getting involved again, one that he won't readily tell me.

January 13, 2011

Meeting up with Bastion later. Gave Corri an epic verbal bitch slap on Facebook. Mom complimented me on it. Heh. Corri says she hates me and wishes we'd never met. Guess she's not a sociopath, then.