January 23, 2022 | Sebastian's (?) diary

 I'm starting to lose touch with reality. I know I'm real, but sometimes other people don't feel real to me. Sigefrid, Skorpa, Haesten (real annoying in his case), and Bloodhair still feel like people, but some of the others, I find myself wondering if they're just puppets on a grand stage, putting on a play for my entertainment. Some of them are good puppets, but others step out of line. I'm tempted to declare they need to be punished, but that's Luci's call to make, not mine.

Who am I? Who should I be? Would Sebastian or Serena be more loved? I started Serena because I thought Trent would be more attracted to her, but ironically, he's the only one who seems to prefer me as a man. I never wondered who I was as a teenager the way some do. I was Trent's best friend. Rumors said I was his boyfriend. Either way, I knew I was his. We were devoted to each other. But ever since college, he's been devoted to Rebecca. It's sickening. Any appeal her undeniable beauty may have had for me was snuffed out by her manipulative, controlling nature and need to look down on everybody from atop her white horse on an ivory tower on a mountain of narcissism. Lately she's added moral crusading to her list of unpleasant traits, which is ironic considering her refusal to take personal responsibility for any of her bullshit. I don't think I've heard her utter the words, "You're right. I'm sorry" since she and Trent got back together. Before she pushed him off Nathaniel's roof, she may have only said it to stop people from being mad at her, but at least she said it. She still makes excuses to try to keep people from being mad at her (it doesn't work), but now she's even more infuriating. Xander has picked up on her bad habits and adopted them as his own. I wish I could believe either of them truly capable of love. Rebecca doesn't love Trent, she wants to possess him and and she wants him all to herself. She wanted us to be in awe of how magnanimous she was in generously sharing Trent with Nathaniel and me, and to pity her because we big bad men "forced" her into it. Hate to break it to you, princess, but it's not an act of altruism if you bring it up all the time to whine about it.

And Xander, he thinks I'm greedy for wanting so many lovers. I can't believe him. I loved Trent with all my heart since I was eight. I'm 33 now. He didn't start a relationship with me until I was 31. Xander is telling off a starving man for eating his fill at a buffet.

• Butternut squash ravioli, 250 cal
• 7 Verona cookies
• 1 chocolate almond milk

I'm so lonely when none of my friends are around, but it's like I can't stop doing things that push them away. Even Bloodhair is upset with me. He claims his ex-fiancée hates me, but I don't know who she is or what I could have possibly done to offend her. Besides, what does it matter what his ex thinks? Can't he think for himself? Maybe I just caught him at a bad time. He did just get out of the hospital, after all.

Skorpa and I are meant to go shopping together later. I gave him a hard time, but he doesn't look bad in drag. He just needs a stylist. He wants me-- Sebastian-- to help with that, and he offered me a drink for my trouble, which is surprisingly nice. I wonder what he's up to? Not that it matters. He's one of the few of that lot showing me any semblance of kindness.

Sigefrid has been nicer. Not cloyingly so, not like a declawed neutered kitten (Xander), but just enough that I know he, at least, doesn't randomly despise me. That's good. He's the one whose opinion I care about most from that club. Still, it would have been nice to make friends with the others. I know it's just a couple people, but it feels like everyone just hates me. I wish I could go back to only  caring about Trent. At least he was always kind to me, even if he did abandon me to chase after a chick for three years. Then Xander left me for a month. Luci is always running off to someplace or other. Will I ever find someone who's hopelessly devoted to me and won't leave me to my own devices? I keep hoping maybe Xander will keep a closer eye on me, but instead he just yelled at me for not having human feelings. That's rich, from someone with his history. Besides, I can't help that I don't care about people who don't deserve it. And when I do care about people, most of the time they throw it back in my face. Except Trent. He's always sweet, but his fucking cunt of a girlfriend is keeping us apart. Whiny bitch.

I asked Maze to let me tag along for one of her bounty missions, but she knows me too well. "Capture, not kill," she said. Is everyone just a fucking killjoy these days? I expected more from a demon.