I'm in love, once again. His name is Sigefrid. He's strong and sexy with eyes a deep well of liquid pain. He seems like he's been through so much, and it's evident by more than just the blade that replaces one of his hands. He lets me take care of him when my Xandy's away, which is more and more often now. There's always some reason, but more and more, it just sounds like noise. But Trent is getting married to a controlling psycho who uses him to make her life easier, Nathaniel's boyfriend or fiancé or whatever Gethsemane is has decided to take issue with how much time Nathaniel and I have spent together lately, not to mention the time Nathaniel spent with Lucifer while I was seeing Roulet (I don't know what I'm going to do about him). But with Sigefrid, I finally found someone I can take care of. He doesn't make it easy, but he also doesn't give me as hard of a time as he could. I wonder if he can sense how lost I am?
I tell myself he's sweet, but he's really not. He is, but he isn't. He's gruff and coarse, and sometimes he breaks my heart. But he lets me feed him and sleep next to him. Sometimes we kiss. I studied him and had customized medicine made for him. I was able to heal his shoulder after I stabbed him (long story) and I think I can harness that power further. I can keep his liver and kidneys from getting too damaged if he's going to defy dosage instructions.
It's the same old conundrum. Once again, it looks a lot like I want to make a man mine, when truthfully, I would prefer he make me his. I'm doing everything I can think of to help him, to make myself worthy of him. Xander doesn't exactly approve, but then.... And Trent blatantly disapproves, but he's getting married, so what's it to him? Lucifer hasn't graced me with an opinion, but I can't imagine he approves, either. His pampered princess of a wife, with a rough man like Sigefrid? But that's something I like about him. He doesn't treat me like I'll break at any second. He's truly, naturally, dominant in bed and I crave that on a level none of the others are willing to understand. Besides, I need someone to spoil when Xandy's not around.
The truth is that I despise solitude. Duckie has Rebecca (ugh), Nathaniel has Guilliman, Xandy has whatever he's got going on, Luci has a business to run. I'm sure Sigefrid has... he has his business, and other-- conventional women. I have gained someone new to add to the rotation and lessen my chances of becoming lonely. Loneliness leads to relapse, and relapse would mean Xander wouldn't want me.
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