June 14, 2022 | Xander x Serena [SOLO]

 It was slow going, but Serena was healing. Xander had taken the initiative to make love to her regularly since their fight. Admittedly, her body did take some getting used to for him, but she preferred keeping at least a skirt and teddy on. He was surprised to find that, from the moment he made it clear he intended to make love to her, pure euphoria washed over and through Serena, burning away every painful emotion and lasting until hours after they'd both finished. He knew she loved sex and was uncomfortably privy to how she felt with others due to the nature of their bond. He had never known her to feel like this.

With clients-- when she felt lonely and went back to selling her body-- she got high off the feeling of being desired, but it was fleeting, and she had never actually gotten off with any of them. Xander still could not comprehend why she felt the need to be so promiscuous, nor why sex was so important to her. With her actual lovers, she was tender and adoring, at least with the men. She trusted Lucifer with her life. With Sigefrid and Louis, she was frequently overflowing with adrenaline. She still carried a torch for Trent, but since sleeping with him also necessitated sleeping with his wife, she was somewhat less than enthused anymore.

When she was with Xander, she was tender and adoring, cautious with her heart but trusting him entirely with their kinks, adrenaline-charged, passionate, and above all, joyful. He was beginning to understand the magnitude of her devastation when he had been away. Every time they made love, she healed a little more, trusted him a little more. She was as clingy as ever, but she was easier to be around and feed from.

It became a sort of ritual for them. He fed from her, which turned her on, and he now allowed himself to grow aroused, too. He teased her while he fed; she melted against him and teased him in return. When he'd had his fill of her blood, she pleasured him with her mouth. They would make love for hours. she would wrap her arms and legs around him:

"Xandy, I love you so much."

Since it was clear Serena thought of her Xandy as a second husband, Luci was strict in his standards for how the vampire treated her. Making her cry or making her feel insecure in any way would lead to a diet of animal blood and loss of his vampiric powers until he made up with her. It was a harsh punishment, but considering Luci had the power to send him to Hell or destroy him entirely, Xander had no choice but to watch his step. Serena herself was unwilling to make Xander suffer and would do everything she could to show him where she was coming from before it got to that point.

For someone so sadistic and antipathetic towards most, it was shocking to see how kind and forgiving she was towards her lovers. Luci had stalked her since she was 17 and kidnapped her to watch her sleep on multiple occasions. Trent had taken advantage of her feelings for him and broken her heart more than once. Sigefrid, Louis, and Nathaniel had all tried to kill her. Dany, was one of her official lovers, and Haesten, who was not, had both forced their way with her. Yet she'd forgiven all of them, or at least, needed their love too much to give them up. Xander deeply wished she would let go of the others and belong to Luci and him alone. He outright despised Sigefrid, Dany, and Louis. But as much as Serena wanted to forgive him, she didn't fully trust him yet.

(Note: The incident with Haesten is a solo I started but then got distracted before I finished. I'll put it up eventually.)

June 4, 2022 | Xander x Serena [SOLO]

Note: This was a little exercise I did to explore how I thought it would be if Xander was forced to feel everything Serena felt. She also gets a hell of a lot of angst out here. TW violence. Also, this is not meant to be guilt-slinging in any way. It's just what Serena was going through mentally at the time and I had to get it all out.

 Xander hated it when Serena insisted on cuddling him close while her husband made love to her, but he put up with it because he would rather be her emotional teddy bear than be nothing to her. Being around her was torture; she refused to acknowledge the pain and anger she still felt from their fight months ago. No matter how hard she tried, she couldn't convince herself fully that she'd forgiven him. Yet she clung to him with all her might, pleading with her eyes for him to embrace her. And he did, because underneath her unacknowledged resentment, he could feel the strength of her love for him.

She was taking some time away from the club. Sigefrid was riding out more frequently now, and Serena, terrified that he'd met someone else, had fled without a word the night before his last trip. The relief her presence provided from his chronic pain was stronger than any opiate, and his resistance to pain had diminished considerably while she had been living with him. His dependence on her always brought him back. It had been enough, at first. She hadn't minded being used as long as she got to be in his life and warm his bed. But her jealousy toward other women had led to her shooting a crow-eater who'd been making eyes at him, and her trigger-happy demeanor was unsettling for the others in the club.

She was grateful Lucifer didn't feel the same murderous hatred towards her other men. Xander, on the other hand, was extremely jealous and possessive, and he'd made it clear he didn't like Sigefrid or Louis. He wanted to keep her here, with Lucifer and himself, for as long as possible. So, he endured her clinginess and refusal to go anywhere without both of them. She had stopped asking Xander to make love to her. He could sense that she still wanted to, that she craved him inside of her, but she would always withdraw rather than ask him for such a favor. Maze hadn't touched him in months, either. Whether in some twisted female solidarity, lack of interest, or by Lucifer's command, he didn't know.

Her once-bright teal eyes had dimmed to a shade of grey, and while she still didn't get sick, it was taking her longer to heal herself lately. Xander could feel her emotions as strongly as ever. She was angry and depressed, punctuated with bouts of sudden euphoria. Being reminded how loved she really was-- something she could never remember on her own-- brought her the purest joy, and it was in those times Xander preferred to feed on her. The feedings also made her happy, and turned her on, though of course she never mentioned that anymore.

She needed his embrace and his bite. He needed her to be happy. He swore he would do anything to put the light back in her eyes.

It all came to a head one day in June. Serena walked in on Nathaniel trying to kiss Xander and lost her composure completely. She grabbed a softball bat from the closet, shoved Nathaniel away, and cracked Nathaniel across the face with the bat, screaming obscenities at him.

Then she rounded on Xander.

"And you." There was light in her eyes, but not the kind he'd wanted to see.

"I was about to stop him--"

"Don't give me that bullshit, Xander! You think I don't remember how you reacted to Nathaniel and Trent's little pole-dancing session back in September? Oh--oh--speaking of Trent! You slept with my best friend, who's very clearly a man, and you enjoyed it, and then you have the gall to tell me months later that the idea of sleeping with a man makes you sick! You're the reason I have dysphoria now, you insensitive son of a bitch!" Tears were streaming down her face by now, her voice was cracking and she was having trouble keeping it modulated, but none of that mattered. She was finally getting it all out.

"I apologized for that when I came back," Xander reminded her, "when Luci summoned me, and you said you forgave me." His voice was calm, without accusation.

As quickly as her rage had come on, it dissipated, leaving her crying and shaking her head. "I thought I had. But you'd threatened to break up with me, and before that, you left me all alone for a month. I don't care why you left, Xander, you were gone!" Her temper flared again. "And the sense of purpose I got from feeding you, that feeling of being special, that was gone, too! I missed you every single day that you were gone, and when you came back, you refused to feed because I wasn't happy enough for you! I'm your Singer, Xander! That's why we bonded, or did you 'forget' that, too? Come to think of it, what the hell were you eating while you were gone?" Though she didn't say it, the look in her eyes and the jealousy surging through her told Xander she feared he'd cheated on her with the groupie chicks who hung round the museum at night.

"Animal blood, from the butcher shop. It did not satisfy me as yours does, but I have told you, I can taste your emotions. I can feel them, too. It is... painful to--"

"You think it's painful, feeling what I feel secondhand through our bond? Try fucking living with it 24/7!" Serena shouted. She looked like she wanted to hit him with the bat, too. "You--" She gave a loud, frustrated sigh and dropped the bat. "Empathy is nothing next to compassion," she said in a more measured voice. "You flinch when I feel pain, but you don't try to take it away. You just scold me for feeling it. And when I push it down and try to be okay, somehow that's worse. I love you so much! You're so intent on avoiding the pain I feel that you push me away and make it worse, and that, I don't love." She shook her head miserably. "Do you really comprehend how shocking it was when you suggested we break up? Why the goddamn hell would you ever think that was something I would-- I couldn't survive that! I can't--"

She broke down completely, unable to speak. Xander hesitated, but put his arms around her after a moment. She melted into his touch and a sense of relief coursed through them both. He let her cry for a couple of minutes, then spoke.

"I did not think you were as enamored with me as you had once been."

She lifted her head, confused. "What?"

He sighed. "If you loved and needed me so much, why chase after other men? I felt... inadequate." He hated to admit it, but it was true. "I can accept your history with Trent and your attachment to Lucifer. I can even tolerate you sleeping with Maze and Rebecca, to a degree-- don't look so surprised, of course I knew-- but those ruffians, and that criminal who looks like you... I am sorry, but I cannot understand why you would want or need them when you have us."

She ducked her head again, reluctant to answer. He could guess what she was about to say, and he dreaded it, but this was a discussion they had to have if they were going to move forward in any way.

"Because," Serena said softly, almost in a whisper, "they desired me. You, Xander, you were only interested in me after you tasted me, and even then, you pushed me away at first. Sometimes you treat me like something you have to put up with to get fed, and that's when you're not treating feeding like a chore in the first place. Sigefrid flirted with me and, okay, yeah, he was pissed when he found out about my body, but he actually acted like he needed me once we got past that hurdle."

"You mean, after you stabbed him, stalked him, and plied him with drugs," Nathaniel put in from the couch, holding ice to his cheek.

Ignoring that, Serena continued, "And Louis, he--"

"Broke into your house, beat you, fucked you at knifepoint, and tried to stab you to death," Nathaniel finished. "Honestly, Xander has a point. And you never would have met either of them if you hadn't gone back to hooking."

Serena frowned at Nathaniel. "Buglet, I wouldn't have had to go back to hooking if Xandy hadn't gone away. I'm surprised you didn't start, given how upset you were about George."

Xandy. That was a good sign. She was back to using her pet name for him.

She turned back to face him. "I can't be left alone, Xandy. I just can't. I can't handle it. And before you say I have Luci-- yes, I do, and normally that would have helped, but he was sleeping with Nathaniel at the time, and Nate needed him. So I fell back on what I'm good at, something to fill the void, pun intended--"

Nathaniel laughed despite himself.

"--and, well, you know. But sweetie, I never meant to make you feel like you weren't enough. I love you, and I am so, so sorry that I hurt you." She wet her lips nervously. "But... I also can't give them up. What if something happens and you're gone again? And what if Luci's busy at the same time-- I can't deal with that alone. I also don't want to fight anymore and I don't want to be mad. I want us to be happy together."

Xander sighed. "I want that, too. Despite what you may think, I love you, too. I never stopped. Even at my angriest, I could never stop loving you."

Serena's smile and the color returning to her eyes told him that he had finally said the right thing, and that the happiness lighting her up from the inside was pure and true.