November 9, 2021 | Side chat x RP with Bex | mental breakdown/spiral

 Previously, in Side Chat...

 BEX, November 8 at 6:40 p.m.

sorry took me so long hun. Watching Rhett by myself all day and Steve is at work tonight till 10.

--

 

SIGYN, today at 9:30 a.m.

I figured. Unfortunately my brain was not rational at the time and I ended up drugging myself to sleep and turning off my phone till just now.

 

SEBASTIAN

Lucifer chose to marry me to save me from the humiliation of coming back from the courthouse empty handed when I ran off on a whim to try to marry Nate, remember? He takes care of me. That's what I love him for, not for his status. And it's similar with you. You're loving and so sweet to me.

 

TRENT

But you did fall for him when he bit you. You admitted that much yourself.

 

SEBASTIAN

I liked him before that. That's just when I loved him. If I hadn't liked him to begin with, I would never have asked him to bite me

 

BEX, 9:40 a.m.

Hope you feel better today hun. I take daycare for granted cause though I love this boy of mine, watching him all day makes me wanna lose my mind sometimes. 🤣🤣🤣🤣

 

SIGYN

I was grumpy when I woke up because of the hangover from all the stuff, but yeah I'm a little better. It was just bad timing, you know, I know my friends fully intended to be around yesterday, but we all have busy lives so it didn't work out that way

 

XANDER

I didn't mean groupie innthe term that you go about throwing yourself at evey Sup out there. I meant it as a kind if cute phrase...cause you are with two Sups....I'm terrible with words of this generation.

 *chuckles*

 

BEX

Glad you are feeling better.

 

SIGYN

Thanks. Jace seems to be doing better too. He had the presence of mind to do schoolwork yesterday, so he must be better off. I'll do mine tomorrow most likely. Today my dad has a recertification for his apartment (2-bedroom, government owned so they have to think I still live there or my dad will have to move)

Jan was supposed to move into my old room, actually. But that obviously didn't happen

Anyway, Lucius and I have to be there this afternoon and I don't see my ass getting anything done before then or after

 

SEBASTIAN

You're cute 🥰 You'll get used to our slang, don't worry

 

BEX

I understand hun. You've been through a lot in the last few hours. It's understandable. Try and relax a bit, don't worry about anything.

 

SIGYN

I'm taking bath & Rp & food

(10:40 a.m.) Tag CXGF

it's fucking long

(11:42 a.m.) [snip baby video]

(1:50 p.m.) [snip baby video]

 

[13-minute video chat ending at 2:06 p.m.]

 

SIGYN, 2:46 p.m.

(3:41 p.m.)

Caption reminded me of us 😆

(4:11 p.m.) Loki sucks

He's accusing me of wanting to be mad and snapping at him for no reason and saying I'm just always depressed or stressed and never want to do anything

My friend literally died a couple days ago WTF am I supposed to do

 

BEX

Rhett sucks right now too.

 

PENRYN

Yeah, because your husband being problematic and your kid being a literal toddler are exactly the same, you see.

 

SIGYN

Sorry

 

BEX

Oh man...that's not cool at all! I'm sorry hun *hugs tight*

You have every right to be upset and depressed. It was sudden and unexpected but it was a friend!

 

SIGYN

I knew her since college and I'm just

Loki doesn't FEEL anything real

For him, life is jokes and sex and video games. Sometimes I wonder if he even has a real soul

 

BEX

People like that are hard to get along with at times.

I'm sure he does, your just not at the same place mentally yet. You are like waaaay up and he's kinda waaaay down still.

 

SIGYN

AT TIMES hah

He accuses me all the time of snapping at him For No Reason when he's being annoying

Jesus Christ I want a real man and not an overgrown teenage boy

He didn't even bother trying comfort me today just basically said I should stay at my dad's because he can't deal with me or whatever

He was supposed to call the food stamp lady and he didn't even leave a fucking message just "oh I couldn't reach her"

I can't trust him with anything except the baby and sometimes not even that

 

BEX

Oh hun, I'm so sorry. I don't even know what to say to that. Have you tried couples counseling or something cause he can't keep acting like this and you can't keep 'accepting' it from him. Something has to give eventually.

 

SIGYN

Couples counseling only works when both people are willing to actually communicate

I'm literally only with him because he takes care of my son.

Because I can't handle being a parent. I can't handle anything. I can't fucking work, can't go to school, I'm only good at writing

 

BEX

And he's not? Willing to communicate? That's not healthy but I know you know that. *hugs*

Now that's not true. You are good at a lot of things. It just seems like that right now cause you have so much stressors happening all at once

 

SIGYN

I love Lucius but I probably shouldn't have kept him.

No, Bex, I'm really not

I can't work because of my health

I can't go to school because I can't fucking keep up or focus

I've already tried those things

Couldn't apply for disability because they couldn't verify my identity, bureaucracy stresses me out, I just want to kill everyone and then myself sometimes

 

BEX

But you're doing well with your dance class. Accounting is hard for anyone and it isn't an easy subject.

 

SIGYN

The dance class has nothing to do with my major and accounting did.

 

BEX

Don't say that! *epic hugs* I know things are tough right now but they do get better and I would miss you! 🥰❤🥰❤🥰❤🥰❤🥰❤🥰

 

SIGYN

I'm dropping out after this semester

I'm sorry

Pretty much the best thing in my life right now is you and our story

 

BEX

Don't be. It's OK to vent to me. What I'm here for. ❤❤❤❤

 

SIGYN

When I went to Lafayette, Piffy got tired after lunch and I even fucking had to REMIND HER we had plans

When I was ON THE TRAIN

 

BEX

I'm sorry I've been so slow these last few days. I know I have been 'spoiled' with Rhett in daycare and omg I swear imma shave all my hair off and sell him to the circus by the end of the week. Hehehe

 

SIGYN

I love Jace and I'm hope he finds a nice boy who appreciates him and settles down

Oh fair

Lucius keeps banging on my cabinets, he hid Loki's wallet in my VCR which he knows he's not supposed to touch, he's been a butthead this week

 

BEX

Things take time, but they ALWAYS work out the way they are supposed to; even if they aren't the way you want them to be.....smart woman, my gran

 

SIGYN

I don't like things not being how I want.

 

BEX

Must be butthead season then cause Rhett's been the same. 🤣🤣🤣

 

SIGYN

And I don't believe that. If things worked out the way they were supposed to, Jamie would be in the fucking ground and my 5 friends whom her worthless ass outlived would be alive.

 

BEX

I know but sometimes things work out and you get something better then the way you wanted. Or so my gran says.

 

SIGYN

Yeah I've heard that too.

And I don't believe that either.

I want my FUCKING FRIENDS BACK! I want a man who steps the fuck up and knows what REAL goddamn emotions are!

I am so frustrated with life right now and empty platitudes are going to make it worse

 

BEX

People who deserve it will ALWAYS get theirs. If not in this life then deff the next. And being punished in the next life or afterlife is way more fun in my opinion 😈😈😈

 

SIGYN

I don't think it's more fun. I want to see her suffer and bleed.

 

BEX

I know, hun. I know and I'm sorry. I wish I could do something to make you.feel better.

 

SIGYN

I know you're trying to help

It's just

Where's the fucking proof

BEX

SIGYN

My dad's been divorced three times. He never found anyone, everyone disappointed him. And I was widowed once (though I'm glad he died) and couldn't find anyone like who I really want so I had to settle for Loki

because I stupidly fucking went to visit him and he doesn't respect or comprehend celibacy so now I have a GODDAMN FUCKING BABY

How can I believe in anything when it hasn't happened for my family?

 

BEX

Things take time and that's the hardest thing we have to deal with.

I dont know hun. But I believe it will...if you cant, I will for you....cause something good always happens after the times when it's most dark

 

SIGYN

Yeah ok tell that to my 73 year old father who never found anything worth living for.

 

BEX

And I know...I'm an annoying optimist who is also a child-like dreamer. I've been called that many times. 🥰🥰🥰

 

SIGYN

Or my grandmother who died in her 80s having found at best someone to tolerate her

I used to think love was real too

I used to think things would work out

 

BEX

Nothing worth living for? Sigyn! He has you! You're his child. There is nothing greater to live for..

 

SIGYN

I used to be that optimistic person but SHOW ME

Jesus Christ you don't get it

He has literally told me

he's just sitting around waiting to die.

He's been saying that as long as I've been alive.

And yes, there is something greater to live for. I mean ok, Lucius is one of very few reasons I haven't killed myself

but if he's all there is for me in my life, fuckin take me now Lord

I'm done

 

BEX

I do get it...I'm just...I'm an annoying optimist. I can't be any other way.

Does he go out? Do things?

I really dont know what to say cause I don't want you to feel this way but I don't know what to do to help. Don't be done...there is more for you, I know there is....

 

SIGYN

It doesn't matter what he does, ok

I can't talk to him about this

He wanted love, never found it

I wanted love, I wanted, actually, someone exactly like Trent before I even knew his character existed on tv

I'm stuck with a soulless automaton who's obsessed with when he can have sex next

and a baby I never

Whatever, I don't know

 

BEX

I've been there too. I nearly ended my.life when cheye was 4 yrs old. The only thing that stopped me was a radio that had no batteries and was not plugged up at the times started to play a song that caught my attention...so I know what that feels like. It took years...literal years but things slowly got better...and they will for you

Whatever happens...I'm here and I'm not going anywhere ❤❤❤

 

SIGYN

I've been trying since I was 12. Nothing stuck

I thought I'd find someone at school, maybe dance class, but the in person class I wanted was cancelled and everything is online

I stormed out and I'm going to the gym. Loki comforted the fucking baby but not me

I fucking hate Loki

 

BEX

Work some of that frustration out. He needs to learn that his actions effect you. Things have to give somewhere

 

SIGYN

They're not going to

It's been seven fucking years

And it doesn't matter how much I exercise I'm not going to be less frustrated

I just couldn't stay in that goddamn house another second

FUCK

All my favorite fucking machines are taken

Of fucking course this happens

 

BEX

Just breathe....

 

SIGYN

IT WON'T HELP

I'm not mad about BREATHING

I'm mad about nothing FUCKING WORKING

 

BEX

I know...I know...

 

PENRYN

Clearly you don’t fucking know. All you’re doing is spouting clichés and wittering on about ✨optimism✨

 

SIGYN

It's easy for YOU to be optimistic, you HAVE someone who gives a damn! You're in multiple relationships!

I'm in ONE and it's FUCKING TERRIBLE

And I can't leave because of Lucius.

 

BEX

No not really...not easy at all. I'm optimistic because if I'm not i really would have been in the ground by now. I choose to try and be so that day when cheye was 4. It's extremely hard cause there are times I wanna throw everything away and run myself.

 

SIGYN

So what I'm not CHOOSING TO TRY

Is that what you're saying

 

BEX

I didn't say that...I said that's what I did. For me. How I handled my personal stuff

Everyone handles things differently

 

PENRYN

Did anyone fucking ask?

 

SIGYN

Fine. I might as well just die because nothing is working for me and you saying it will is nothing but false hope

 

BEX

Because being optimistic to the point of being annoying works for me.

Stop that! I can't stand it when you say things like that. I love you!

 

SIGYN

FUCK this shit it's not that to I'm not TRYING hard enough

I've tried EVERYTHING

NOTHING works

I'll only believe it will, when it ACTUALLY DOES.

 

BEX

SIGYN

I'm sorry, I'm really not mad at you

I'm just so sick of people telling me things will work when there's no EVIDENCE

For me

 

BEX

I know you're not hun. It's OK. Vent. I don't mimind. ❤❤❤❤❤

I can only tell you what has worked for me...and things do take time. I know that's not helpful or whatever but I don't know what else to say.

 

5:00 p.m.

 

SIGYN

I've been looking for love since I was ... God at the youngest, SEVEN.

That's 23 years

Not only have I NOT found it but I'm stuck with a baby and my friends keep dying and

 

BEX

I just don't want to hear you say you wish you were dead cause honestly that really upset me. No guilt or anytjing..its true. Cause I care about you!

 

SIGYN

It's hard to even find friends who can find time for me before I fucking spiral out

I don't want to be dead. I just want the suffering to stop. I didn't do anything wrong. I don't deserve all this

 

BEX

I promise...I dont know how but I promise things will get better. I believe that for you.

 

SIGYN

I wish I could believe you, but I've been waiting this long and they haven't.

 

BEX

Things take time and love will find you, not the other way around. Hardest almost impossible lesson I had to learn....you know I ran from steve for almost 15 yrs? My famous line with him was "I love you too but..."

 

SIGYN

It's taken ENOUGH TIME

I don't have anyone like that

If it was going to find me, it would have done before I was fucking 30 with a baby.

The closest thing I have to love is writing. Our RP and side chat

Whatever I jot down when my muses won't shut up

 

BEX

We were friends because I kept him at a distance all those years. My fault. He married someone else along the way and all but it worked out even though we still have issues.

Your life isn't over yet hun. Things can happen that you won't even see coming

 

SIGYN

It might as well be. I died once. They resuscitated me against my wishes. I thought after that, there must be a reason. That was ... 2015

December

But nah. And the crazy thing is, I'm not even usually like this

Usually I'm like you, and I'm manifesting lookalikes of our boys whom I'm too shy to approach

I guess my emotions are just really chaotic

I just realized something

I'm picking up on Jace's because of our bond, so I've got his frustration which is compounding mine

 

PENRYN

Hyperempathy as the… well, there’s really not a plot to this because it’s a conversation between the admins.

 

BEX

With what's been going on that's to be expected. Stress will drive anyone mad.

 

SIGYN

That's true. Thank you for being so patient with me

The thing about Jace-- I love him to bits, as a friend-- he's bi, but he wants to settle down with a man

 

BEX

You're my friend and I love you. ❤❤❤❤❤

 

SIGYN

I really hope he finds that

I love you too 💕

 

BEX

Dammit...one sec...rhett is trying to be an acrobat!

I think he broke my nose with his big head. 😔I heard it Crack and it's bleeding...Joy.

 

PENRYN

Interesting how that happened as soon as Sigyn stopped spiraling and began to calm down.

 

SIGYN

🙁

I'm glad you're alive, you know. That the song caught you. And I'm sorry about your nose 😕

mean baby

 

BEX, 6:09 p.m.

So, finally got him settled, he freaked out when he saw me bleeding. lol poor guy. Now, to get him to bed. yay. 😛

 

SIGYN

Poor both of you

I got bored of my workout & then mad the rowing machine was still taken so now I'm going for frozen yogurt

 

BEX

frozen yogurt is yum! I wish I had ice cream. Lol

 

SIGYN

I got to take a bus all the way to the mall to get it, but it's worth it.

 

SEBASTIAN pinches muffin top

 if you say so.

 

NATE nods

 

REBECCA 

Hush! 

*gives them both a look*

 

SEBASTIAN

I like being in a girl's body, dgmw, but we do need to work out more and eat healthier.

 

NATE

 smoothie supremacy

SIGYN

F both you boys I love toppings

 

BEX

that looks good and I would eat it, so shush boys. *giggles*

trying to get Rhett down, he is nearly there. whew. Lol

 

SIGYN

This is 30% vanilla/pomegranate/pumpkin froyo

70% lychee balls, fruit, and chocolate

(6:47 p.m.)

(7:00 p.m.) SEBASTIAN

 ... It was delicious.

 

BEX

Taylor Swift is nasty. bleh. Lol

 

PENRYN

What the fuck? What did she ever do to you?

 

SIGYN

yes but that's a parody

it's not real Taylor Swift 😆

 

PENRYN

As evidenced by the fucking title of the video.

 

BEX

Ohhhhhh

well I feel silly. 😛

 

SIGYN

Hehehehe

You are silly but it's ok

 

NATE

 tbh it reminded me of Trent.

 

TRENT

 I am NOT that bad.

BEX

TRENT 

I have never gotten drunk, done bath salts, OR had sex with a tree

 

SEBASTIAN 

. . . 

*raises hand*

 

REBECCA 

Bash? 

*tilts head*

 

TRENT 

Oh, no, Bashie, tell me you didn't.

 

SEBASTIAN 

I've definitely done bath salts. I don't know if I ever did a tree, though.

 

NATE 

Bash/Tree OTP.

 

TRENT

 Greg/bush otp, also

 

REBECCA 

omg, you guys are nuts.

 *giggles*

 

NATE 

You are what you eat

 

GEORGE 

How do you....bath salts? What you do, sniff them?

 

SEBASTIAN

 bath salts is the street name of

.... Actually let me Google it because I forgot.

GEORGE 

oohhhhhh

 

TRENT

 so does that make me Rebecca?

 

REBECCA bursts out laughing and nearly falls off the couch

 

GEORGE 

Ewwww

 

XANDER 

Ok, that's a little funny 

*smirks*

 

SEBASTIAN 

I bet it makes you Nathaniel's butt

 

NATE

 it makes you Sebastian

 

GEORGE 

I don't eat that part!

 

XANDER

 Indeed... 

*purrs*

 

SEBASTIAN 

I do 🤣

 

GEORGE

 more power to you. 

*laughs*

 

SEBASTIAN 

I just assumed you did too

 

TRENT

 when you assume, you make an ass of u

 

GEORGE

 yea…no. I do a lot of things with Natie...that ain't one of them.

 

SEBASTIAN

 I mean, I get it. We use dental dams, but I can see how it wouldn't be everyone's cup of tea

 

GEORGE shudders at the mental images that brings

Please...change subject. 

*chuckles*

 

TRENT

 Looks like Bashie is telling Xander our entire life story on main.

 

SEBASTIAN 

He did say to tell him EVERYTHING.

 

(Bex) Me

 I can see that. 😛

 

SIGYN

TRENT

What did I ever do to you?

BEX

wow! that was a lot...but good stuff.

 

SEBASTIAN 

That's the abridged version of the first 26 years of our life.

 

XANDER 

Had a lot going on, I see. Such a life and lived in only a few short years. Impressive.

 

BEX

Taggy

 

SIGYN

yay 😍

 

MAZE 

Wow, Sebastian. Wasn't there anything going on in your life besides your Schroedinger's Boyfriend?

 

SEBASTIAN 

Nope

 

GEORGE tried not to laugh, but the Schroedinger's comment had him giggle

Sorry...

 

SIGYN

Luci and Bash aren't married on main

Luci hasn't even proposed yet, although he hinted to George and Nate that he was thinking of it

 

BEX

not yet? I thought we did that wedding thing in sassy for them to be. opps. Lol

 

SIGYN

No, that was also for side chat 😆

sorry, I know it's confusing

 

BEX

there, fixed it. 😃

 

SIGYN

Taaank

 

BEX

Youse welcomes! 😃

gotta find something to eat for me. hungry

 

SIGYN

Tag

(9:05 p.m.) 🙁

 

BEX

You ok hun? *hugs*

Steve is home so we talking about his night and I'm eating...finally

 

SIGYN, 10:47 p.m.

Huge, huge fight

Loki almost walked out on me & I almost went for the knife for my arm

 

BEX

Are you ok? Are you and Lucius safe?

Steve agrees with me when I said that you and Lucius should come visit for a while...just to get away.

Just...are YOU ok?!

 

SIGYN

I'm safe, still upset. Lucius is asleep

SIGYN

Hugs

(11:31 p.m.) Night night. I'm taking sleep drugs and crashing. Love you and thanks for being here. Tag for tomorrow